Mother’s Day is almost here and I wonder what emotions I will feel this year. For so many people, Mother’s Day is a wonderful day spent celebrating moms. For motherless daughters and many others, it is a day full of emotions and a day we sometimes wish we could just skip right over. I’m here to tell you that whatever you are feeling on Mother’s Day, it’s normal.
Celebrating Mother’s Day Can Be Optional
My mom died almost 10 years ago. My first Mother’s Day without her, I was miserable. I wanted the day to be over before it even began. I just wished we could skip over the whole day.
The first couple years after my mom died, I stayed home on the couch all day on Mother’s Day while my husband and kids celebrated with my mother-in-law and her family. I just couldn’t bring myself to celebrate another mom when I was missing my mom so much.
It’s not that I don’t love my mother-in-law and didn’t want to celebrate her, because I was blessed with an amazing mother-in-law whom I love to pieces, it was just that I was consumed with sadness and I couldn’t bring myself to pretend to be happy on a day that hurt so much.
Don’t Let Other People Make You Feel Worse
I had some people tell me that I should want to celebrate Mother’s Day because I’m a mom and I should be happy for my kids. My first Mother’s Day without my mom, my kids were 4 and 5 years old. My kids showered me with love, pictures, and homemade gifts pretty much every day. I didn’t need a special day for them to celebrate me and it’s okay to show sadness to your kids. It’s real life and in real life we can’t pretend away our feelings.
Having people who were older than my mom when she died and who still had their own moms to celebrate, telling me how I should feel and celebrate on Mother’s Day was not helpful and just made me feel angry and more guilty. If you haven’t experienced the overwhelming pain of losing your mom, you can’t possibly understand how hard Mother’s Day is for motherless daughters.
Whatever You Are Feeling Is Normal
I learned over the years that it’s okay to feel whatever I am feeling. If I am feeling sad and don’t want to celebrate, that’s fine. If I am happy and enjoying my day, that’s great. I don’t need to feel guilty for wanting to skip the day or not being able to celebrate other moms that day and I don’t need to feel guilty for feeling joy even when my mom isn’t there with me.
You will see so many mothers and daughters together and see all the posts on social media and it can bring about feelings that you never thought you’d feel. I’m happy that other people get to be with their moms, but sometimes it’s hard not to feel jealous of them. It doesn’t seem fair that I don’t get to take those selfies with my mom and celebrate like everyone else.
If you find yourself feeling or thinking things you never thought you’d feel, just remember there are no right or wrong ways to feel when it comes to grief. Whatever you are feeling is normal and it will keep changing over time.
Mother’s Day Reminders Are Everywhere
Every day is hard after your mom dies, but holidays are extra hard. Mother’s Day can be brutal. I think it’s the fact that it’s so in your face. There are ads, emails, commercials, radio announcements and of course all the displays in the stores for months before the day even arrives.
No matter where you go or what you do, Mother’s Day seems to be constantly shoved in your face. The first year after my mom died, I remember walking into Walmart in March and there was a Mother’s Day display in one of the main aisles. I started crying, turned around and walked out of the store. It was so unexpected, but that’s the way grief works. Sometimes a card display can be enough to make you go ugly cry in your van.
Anticipating Mother’s Day Is Hard Too
Just like other holidays and special dates, I often find that the days(or weeks) leading up to the actual day can sometimes be harder than the day itself. I think it is the anticipation of what we are going to feel or what might happen on that day. Mother’s Day is especially hard for those of us who have lost our moms because it focuses on mothers and it’s unavoidable.
To Celebrate Or Not Celebrate, That Is The Question
Having Mother’s Day reminders almost nonstop in the world around us, makes it hard to try and put it in the back of our minds and the anticipation leading up to Mother’s Day can be hard. Will I fall apart again this year, or will I have a great day with my family? I never know.
Even if we are moms ourselves, it doesn’t take away from the pain that we are also daughters who don’t get to celebrate with our own moms. Whatever you are feeling and however you decide to celebrate or not celebrate Mother’s Day, is perfectly normal.
It doesn’t matter if this is your first year or your fiftieth year without your mom on Mother’s Day, you get to decide how you want to celebrate every year and sometimes you won’t know until you wake up that day and see how you feel.
Grief Is Lonely, But You Are Not Alone
To all my fellow motherless daughters, I am sorry you are part of this awful club and I hope that this year you are able to celebrate your mom in a way that brings you comfort. If you are in the beginning of your grief journey and loss of your mom, please know you are not alone even though it feels that way sometimes, and that some year, Mother’s Day won’t hurt quite as much as it does this year.
Tell me about your mom. What do you miss the most about her? Do you do something special on Mother’s Day to celebrate her? My mom was known for her big bear hugs, so I’m sending you all hugs as you navigate through Mother’s Day(and all the other days) without your mom.
This is my first Mother’s Day without my mom. I keep having memories pop into my head of all the little things I made my mom when I was little. Our annual tradition was to go to brunch for Mother’s Day. My mom, my sister-in-law and I would be celebrated and the grandkids showered love on grandma. I already told my kid I don’t want to that this year. It’d be too hard with her chair empty. I plan to bring a something to the cemetery to visit though. My 12 year old might be wise beyond her years. She said, “You can stay in your pajamas or in bed and I’ll make you pancakes and scrambled eggs all by myself. You’ll be too sad to cook.”
Sounds like your daughter is wise beyond her years and prepared to let feel however you need to feel on your first Mother’s Day without your mom. It will be a hard day, but I’m glad you have the support of your family to just do what you need to do for the day. Hugs to you.